I think the hardest times for me have been when I’ve really needed to talk to my dad for advice. So when you find yourself without one of your parents, you immediately feel lost. Your parents cared for you from the moment you entered this world, they nurtured you and showed you the way. Instead of focusing on what you didn’t do or times where you messed up, remember the times you made your parent proud or happy. This isn’t helpful, and you are just being unnecessarily cruel to yourself. It’s not a reason for me to feel bad, because he knew exactly how much I loved him. My mum, sister and I used to gang up on him occasionally, because he was the only man in the house, but that’s nothing unusual and he took it in his stride. I’ve also gone back and punished myself mentally for all the times that I wasn’t the perfect daughter, or when I was mean to my dad. I know if my dad was around he wouldn’t hold it against me. I wasn’t at home the last night he was alive, when he was in pain, for reasons I won’t go into. I’ve gone through the day my father died a thousand times and thought about what I could have done differently. You will probably feel guilty in some way, but you need to let it go.However, it’s important to keep in mind not everyone’s perfect, and it’s OK to have negative memories as well as positive ones. It feels like the easiest way to remember them is in the best possible light. Why? Well, firstly, because they were your parent who you respected and loved, but also because you can’t bear to criticise them in any way when they aren’t around to defend themselves. One thing I’ve noticed is that you tend to idolise the parent you’ve lost. We take a lot of strength from our parents, so when you lose one of them, it’s crushing. It’s OK to lose your composure, to have an outburst of emotion in public or privately at home or to completely fall apart. Pushing the pain below the surface so no one can see it is exhausting. But just remember you can only put on an act for so long. When my father died, I tried so hard to be strong for my mum and little sister, and show everybody how resilient and tough I was.
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